I never knew that the boy, who I hated so much in 4th grade, could become my best friend by 5th grade and stay as my best friend until now, 14 years later.


“Jun-chan?” I heard his voice through my phone. Jun. I couldn’t help a smile.

“When is your next break?” it hasn’t been that long since I last saw him, but it seems as if I haven’t seen him in years.

“I get a week off starting tomorrow.” I closed my eyes, trying to imagine him talking on his cell phone to me. “I was wondering if you wanted to go play basketball like we used to?”

“Jun-chan! You know my answer!” I exclaimed. Basketball? With Jun? That's the best combination anyone could give me!

“I’m going to reach home by one, so let’s go then?”

“Definitely, I’ll be waiting!”

“See you then.” The line went dead. I still held the phone close to my ear, trying to hear his voice once again. Why can’t he understand? Why can’t he get it? Every word he says to me, every time I see him, every time I see him on TV or hear his voice or even hear about him, my heart runs five miles? Sometimes I wish that I wasn’t his best friend. That I never met him. Then I wouldn’t love him the way I do. I would be a normal fan who can find anyone else. But I know him. He’s my best friend. And on top of that, his family lives across the street from me. He, himself, used to live right across from me.

Jun, I wish you could read my mind. Maybe then, you’d know how I feel? Or maybe you do know how I feel and you’re choosing to ignore it? Thank you though, for still being my friend. Jun, you’ll always be my best friend, no matter what.

I couldn’t wait. It was already ten at night, I only had 15 hours until I got to see Jun. 15 hours until I get to play basketball with him, hang out with him. Just 15 hours.


“Itou Junko!” I turned around with a grin on my face as I welcomed Jun. “Wait long?” he grinned, throwing his duffle bag at me, which I let drop at my feet. I looked down at the bag, then up at Jun with a smirk.

“I’m not going to carry that for you. You may be a super amazing, wonderful, to die for idol to girls, but to me, you’re just little Jun-chan.” He gave me knowing smile and rolled his eyes.

“I guess I can’t really expect you to go drooling at my feet, huh?” he picked up his duffle bag and swung his arm around me. “How are you?” I walked with him a few steps and up the stairs to his house. Jun, if you only knew how hard my heart is thumping right now…

“Great! I’ve been working hard!” he opened his door and let me in.

“Mom? I’m home!” he yelled into the house.

“Jun!” his mother came pattering in her slippers down the hall and into the entry way. “And Jun-chan!” she cheered. “Oh! You two!” she hugged us both and gave a kiss on both of our cheeks.

“Hello Matsumoto-san.” I smiled politely at Jun’s mother.

“Come in, come in!” she pulled on my arms, leaving Jun behind.

“Leave your son and take the girl,” Jun muttered, sitting down to untie his shoes. I followed his mother into the kitchen where I was told to sit while she got me a cold drink.

“How have you been? Oh it’s just been too long since you’ve been over! You’ve grown so much in such a short time! So beautiful. What do you think about taking Jun in as your husband? He would be such a lucky man. You two would just be so perfect for each other!” I couldn’t get a word in. She probably would have gone on and on, starting to plan the wedding and all if it weren’t for Jun.

“Mom,” he said in an annoyed voice. “You always bring this up when she comes over!” he sat down. “I bet she has a boyfriend right now and is perfectly happy, right?” both Jun and his mother looked at me.

“I…I um actually don’t…” this feels just a little awkward.

“You don’t?” Jun frowned. I shook my head. I couldn’t go out with someone when I like you so much. I gave him a smile. “Oh, but you do like someone?”

“I do,” I nodded. “Just not sure if he likes me either.”

“Oh…” he seemed disappointed. I got a teasing smile on my face.

“Are you disappointed that I like someone?” I patted his cheeks.

“Definitely.” He nodded, giving me puppy eyes. Are those words true? Or just for show?

“Don’t you have a girlfriend?”

“No,” he shook his head. “I like someone…I’m pretty sure she likes me…I’m planning on asking her out sometime soon,” he smiled happily to himself.

“Who is she?!” his mother said from the living room where she had gone during our conversation.

“Just some girl, mom, you don’t need to know right now,” Jun rolled his eyes with a big grin.

“Who is she?” I said quietly.

“Just some girl, Jun-chan, you don’t need to know right now.” I frowned. He won’t tell me, either.

“But I’m your best friend…” I pouted.

“Exactly why I can’t tell you.”

“That doesn’t make sense.”

“It does to me.” I felt my heart tighten. It felt like someone was squeezing it.

“S-so when are we going to go play basketball?” I quickly changed the subject.

“Let me go change and we can go,” Jun patted my head, getting up. “I’ll be right down.” I nodded and walked over to the entry way to get my shoes on. Once I tied the laces, I sat there wondering who the girl might be. What she was like. I hope she’ll make Jun happy.

YaY!! A new fiction from you!!! And it's Jun's turn ^^ Nice starting but erm.. a lil confusing for me Jun calling another Jun, I have to re-read it to not get confused who is calling who.. Hehe..

Alright!! A Jun story!! I've been wating for you to get to him!!! It's really good so far. You're very good at character development!!

~Sorry if it is a little confusing...but if you just remember that its coming from Junko's point of view...hopefully that'll help~

“Foul!” he yelled.

“Jun-chan!” I complained. “I didn’t even touch you!” he clenched his hand.

“You just slapped my hand!” he rubbed his left hand. “That’s definitely a foul!” I rolled my eyes.

“You’re just saying that because you’re losing!” I bounced the basketball a couple of times before shooting it into the hoop. Swoosh. “Either way, Jun-chan, you’re too late to call on me, you already lost.” I gave him a V sign.

“When did I lose?” Jun exclaimed. “It was a 20 point game!”

“I have 24.”

“Oh…” he nodded his head. I took a big gulp from my water bottle and wiped my face with my own towel. “When was it when you became so obsessed with basketball?” I shrugged.

“I don’t remember.”

“Sixth grade.” Jun nodded. “Because of Takada Shuusuke.”

“Takada Shuusuke…” I repeated.

“You don’t remember? He was your crush, you were so obsessed over him.” I shook my head. “He was a year older then us and he was on the basketball team at his middle school…you seriously don’t remember?”

“No…how come you remember?”

“Well its five now, want to go get some food?” he wiped his face with a towel. He’s changing the subject on me again…he always does this when he doesn't want to answer me.

“Sure, where to?” I packed my stuff away in my bag and dropped it on the bench. “No where fancy, I hope. I don’t think we’re allowed to go in with shorts and a t-shirt,” I laughed. Jun had a smile on his face and nodded his head.

“How about the usual?” He stood up and walked over to me, once again, swinging his arm around my shoulders. “But, let’s make it interesting. Let’s play a five point game. If you win, its my treat.”

“Oh, but it’s such an expensive bill! And I’ll have to pay if I lose?”

“I know,” he said as if it really were an expensive bill. I laughed, although it was a nervous laugh. I shrugged his arm off of my shoulders. Jun looked at me with a quizzical look.

“My ball!” I ran over and picked up the ball. Jun dropped his stuff and ran up to me trying to get the ball. I started dribbling and the ball hit my toe making it bounce away from me. Jun saw the chance and ran after the ball. That was weird.

“Matsumoto dribbles the ball, he gets around the two insanely tall American players and he shoots—!” the ball bounces against the rim and right over to me. I jumped up to grab the ball but miss and the ball hit my shoulder. I shook my head quickly recovered. I’m just tired. But once again, while I was dribbling, the ball hit my toe and bounced away. I watched as Jun ran after it. He turned around and I couldn’t make out his face. What’s going on? Am I really this tired?

Jun was running towards me, trying to get to the hoop. I managed to block him and take the ball. I turned around and threw the ball up towards the hoop.

“Air ball?!” Jun exclaimed, watching the ball bounce into the grass near by. “Jun-chan, are you going easy on me? You just got an air ball!” Jun laughed and ran after the ball. Air ball? I aimed right for the hoop though.

“Can I see it for a sec? Let me try again…” Jun passed me the ball. I managed to catch the ball, with much difficulty though. I bounced it a couple of times, getting the hang of it. Once I started to move with it though, it hit my toe and bounced away. Jun caught it and passed it back to me. This is getting weird. I bounced again and I looked up at the blurry hoop, shooting the ball up into the air. It never hit the backboard. Another air ball. Jun caught the ball once again and passed it back silently.

I shook my head. I’m just tired. I shot the ball again, only to get another air ball. Jun came running up to me. I couldn’t make out his face right. Everything was so blurry. “Are you feeling ok?” he put his hand on my forehead. I shook my head, only to regret doing that. I had a sudden, horrible, headache. “Are you tired? You shouldn’t push yourself.”

“I shouldn’t be tired…I didn’t have work yesterday…”

“Do you want to sit down for a sec?” my heart didn’t even pound. It was beating steadily. Not fast. It should be, since I’ve been playing basketball, I should be somewhat tired. Jun may be pretty bad, but he’s not horrible. I felt his arms wrap around my shoulders and lead me towards the benches. I felt dizzy. I closed my eyes, afraid that if I looked around too much I’d fall down. “Here…rest, drink some water.” I held out my hand. Jun placed a water bottle in my hand and I took a sip of it.

“Jun-chan, my head hurts…” the next thing I knew, I was surrounded in black, Jun’s voice sounded far away…

^ Ok.. I'll keep that in mind when I read this. Just got the meaning of the title "Jun-chan Duo" haha, I'm slow

she fainted.. What's happening to her?? *worried* Argh, the suspense is killing me already, i want more :p Looking forward for your update^^

Ahh she fainted!!! You really know where to end it!!!

I don’t know how long I was surrounded in darkness, but it seemed to be an eternity before I finally started seeing some light.

Slowly, my eyes opened and at first I only saw white. A few moments later, my eyes adjusted to the light and I saw some other colors, but still mainly white. I looked to my left and saw Jun sitting in a chair resting his head in his hands. I looked to my right and saw my parents resting their heads on the table. Why am I in the hospital? I leaned over and tapped Jun on the head.

“Jun-chan?” I whispered. He moaned a little then jumped up.

“Jun-chan!” he exclaimed. My parents also jumped up.

“Junko!” my mother ran over to me, tears falling down her face as she hugged me. My father tried to hide his tears and smiled brightly. “My darling!” I wanted to wrap my arms around her. Comfort her. But for some reason, only my left arm would move. My right arm wouldn’t listen to what my brain was trying to say.

“What happened to me?” I looked down at my right arm, trying to make it move, hoping that if I stared at it long enough it’ll move.

“You …” My mother looked away, crying again. She ran into my fathers arms. My father murmured a few comforting words to her before he turned to me.

“Junko…you had a stroke.”

“A stroke?” I laughed slightly. “At least it wasn't life threatening.” No one even smiled. Jun hung his head. My mother kept weeping. My father’s face was grim.

“Junko. You could have died if it weren’t for Jun. If he hadn’t called the ambulance at the time he did, you wouldn’t be here…” he took in a deep breath. “You had a hemorrhagic stroke…” A hemorrhagic stroke…I looked down at my right arm, tears falling down my cheek. “It’s not just your arm…” I looked at my father. I then looked to my left at Jun. He’s crying. Why is he crying? “Junko…your legs…”

My legs? My legs can’t be paralyzed. That’s just not possible, I couldn’t live without them. I had an amused smile on my face as I tried to prove my father wrong. But my legs wouldn’t move. I couldn’t. They wouldn’t. I looked at my father.

“What did you do?” I almost screamed. “I can’t move!” Jun rushed right up to me, wrapping his arms around me.

“Jun-chan…shhh….calm down….shhh…” he kept murmuring in my ears. I pushed him away.

“I can’t move my legs! Or my right arm!” I felt hot tears pouring down my face. It felt like they were burning my face. I wiped them away, with my left hand, and only my left hand. “How am I supposed to live? How am I supposed to play basketball?” I screamed. My mother flintched. I felt a deep hate. A hate to my parents for standing there, so far away from me, as if I had some disease. I hated Jun for saving me. Why did he save me? I would have been better off dead. I hated myself. Why did I have to have a stroke? I hated myself the most. Why didn’t I sit down and rest when I started feeling weird? Jun came back and hugged me.

“Jun-chan…” his voice shook. My father had crumpled back into the chair while my mother stood there, shaking. I watched them. I watched them as if they both in a TV. In my mind I was laughing at how pathetic this plot was. Taking away legs and the right arm of the girl who loves to play basketball. Her parents don’t even try to comfort her while her best friend is? I would be laughing, I wish I could be laughing. My face was stuck in a grim look. I leaned back down into my pillow, throwing the covers over me.

“Leave.” I said sternly.

“Junko…darling…” my mothers weak, shaking, soft voice seemed to come closer to me.

“Leave!” I yelled this time. I turned my head under the sheets to look at my right arm. So helpless. It couldn’t move without assistance of my left arm. It was just dead weight on me. Why don’t they just chop it off? I don’t need it. And while they’re at it, chop off my legs too! I don’t need those either! I heard shuffling feet and then the door opened. I bet my father was standing at the door, hoping for me to call them back in. I’m not though. “Leave…” I said once again. The door closed. I let out a breath. I was finally alone. Or so I thought.

“They’re your parents. You shouldn’t be treating them like that.” Jun. I threw the covers off of me. His face was wet. His eyes were red.

“Jun-chan…Jun…leave…” I looked away from him. I didn’t want him to see me. I know, he saved my life, he’s my best friend, but because of that, I don’t want him to see me.

“I can’t, Jun-chan, not until I know you’re happy.”

“Happy?” I could laugh. How could I be happy? “Well I’m happy, see,” I faked a large grin. It hurt. “Ok, now you know I’m happy, leave.” I know it was cold, but I didn’t want him to see me cry. And I really, really, needed to cry. Jun shook his head though.

“Cry. I’m here. Cry. It’s ok…” he hugged me. “Jun-chan, we’re best friends, aren’t we? I’m here for you. Let it out…” his soft voice was so comforting. I fought the tears but with every word he said, it was as if he was turning the faucet. The tears poured down my cheeks and my mouth let out slight whimpers. His arms wrapped around me tighter. He kept murmuring things in my ear that I couldn’t comprehend anymore.

“Why? Why Jun-chan?” I sobbed into his chest. “Why…?” soon my eyes were so puffy and red they hurt. Tears stopped flowing down my cheek and I felt so tired. Jun let go of me and let me rest.

“Shh…” he smiled softly at me. “Go to sleep…” I held onto his arm.

“Don’t go…” I whispered as my eyes shut. Before I fell into a deep sleep, I felt Jun’s hand squeeze mine back. I thought I heard him answer me, but I wasn’t sure.

“I won’t. I’ll never leave you.” maybe my ears are just playing a trick on me?

Ahhhhh junko

I'm so hooked on this story already I can't wait too find out what happens next!!

I definitely didn't expect her to have a stroke!! That took me by surprise!!! Excellent story!!

I felt like a zombie. I sat in the bed staring at nothing in particular for the past couple days. My parents came in and tried to talk to me. They told me what was going on at home. Jun came in every day from the time I was allowed to see visitors until he was forced to leave. Well, he wasn’t there when my parents came in or when the doctors had to do some tests, but I knew he was out in the hall, waiting. I didn’t talk. To anyone, except to the doctor. I couldn’t talk.

“Jun-chan, when you get out of here, you’ll be all better,” Jun said happily. “I have a concert next month; maybe you’ll be able to come? Do you want to come?” he smiled brightly. His vacation was almost over and he won’t be able to come see me like this anymore. He’s wasting his precious vacation on me. Why? “I bet the guys would be so happy to see you!” he grinned. “You know, Nino is having a problem with a girl right now. He’s got it really bad for this one girl that hates music. Can you believe it? She hates music!” That is a bit odd, how can anyone hate music?

“…Jun-chan?” my voice croaked. Jun leaned closer to me. He looked excited. I was finally talking. “Will you take me to your concert?” I tried to smile. It hurt. But I tried.

“Anytime!” Jun cuffed my left hand in his, squeezing it.

“Jun-chan, don’t you have other things to do? I feel bad that you’re here everyday, during your vacation. Don’t you want to spend time with your family?” he laughed bitterly.

“I’d rather spend time with you then my family, Jun-chan, you’re practically family to me.” at the same time that those words made me happy, they also made me sad. I’m practically family to him. A sister? A sister. I smiled at him, closing my eyes. I’ve been sitting here for the longest time, willing my legs to move. Sometimes I feel that I might get some movement, but when I really wanted them to work the most, right now, they don’t even budge or come close to twitching.

“Sorry, Matsumoto-san,” my doctor came in. Jun got up. He nodded and left the room while the doctor came in and checked up on me. The doctor was a younger lady. She was maybe in her mid-thirties. She was very nice and pretty. I wonder what she would do if she was paralyzed? “How are you feeling?” she took my heart rate, checked my temperature, looked at my arms and legs. I ignored his work, absorbed in my own thoughts.

“Doctor…will I ever be able to use my legs again?” I know what the answer would be, but I still couldn’t help but ask.

“Junko-chan…” she frowned and sat down. “I’m very sorry…but right now there is nothing we can do to make your legs better.” I shook my head with a fake smile. I didn’t want to make her feel bad, she didn’t do anything wrong.

I didn’t notice when the doctor left and when Jun came back. I didn’t notice that the sun went down. I didn’t notice that my dinner was brought to me. I didn’t notice that Jun left. I didn’t notice anything.

No more basketball. I would never be able to do basketball again. If my right arm worked, I would still have a chance. But without my right arm…and legs, I couldn’t do anything. I could only watch. No more basketball. I pulled my covers over my face to hide the hot tears from the invisible eyes that surrounded me.

I would never be able to run around. Never run up to Jun and jump on him. Never be able to walk. Never be able to use my legs. I’ll never be able to dance anymore. Play soccer, snowboard, or basketball. I’ll never be able to attempt to play my brother’s guitar or drums. I’ll never be able to cook my favorite dishes. I let my tears fall freely down my cheek. All the things I’ll never be able to do. My mind slowly, slowly, fell into darkness.


“Junko, how are you feeling?” my father asked as he wheeled me out of the hospital. I had a blank look on my face as I watched the white hospital building get smaller as the big van that my parents had gotten, become larger. Jun walked in front of me, holding my stuff, while my mother walked next to me, holding my hand.

“You’re going to just love your new room!” my mother exclaimed in a cheery voice. I nodded. “It’s absolutely lovely; don’t you think so Jun-chan?” Jun turned around and grinned.

“You’ll love it,” he winked at me. I nodded my head slightly. I could careless about the room. I took in a deep breath of the cool, slightly damp, fresh air. I looked up at the warm sun. Why was it so bright? Why was it so cheery when I’m down here so depressed? Then again, in space, you don’t need your limbs to be happy, you could just float around, fly, you don’t need your legs.

“Junko,” my father sighed. “Please, say something.” I could tell he was getting fed up with my non speaking attitude, but truth was, I just didn’t have anything to say. Well, at least to them. I nodded at my father. He let out another frustrating sigh. Luckily, we reached the van. Jun opened the door and pressed a button. Slowly, a small ramp came out and my father wheeled me up into the car. Jun got in on the other side and sat in a chair next to me. My father locked my chair and strapped a few things onto the wheel to make sure I was in there safely. I’ll never be able to drive a car. The door shut.

I looked out the window as my parents got into the front of the car.

“How do you like it darling?” My mother turned around to ask me. I just smiled slightly and nodded my head. She beamed and turned around. “I’m glad you like it.” I never really said I liked it, but if it makes her happy. I looked out the window, looking at the passing cars and apartment buildings as we made our way home. I’ll never be able to live in an apartment like those. Those two story apartment buildings with stairs.

“Thank you so much, Jun-chan,” My mother turned around once again. “We really appreciate your help these past few days…” she glanced at me. I could tell, just by her voice and that weird silence that fell after her sentence.

“No problem,” Jun answered. “I would help anytime. Just give me a call.”

“Thank you.” My mother said once again before turning around.

“Then maybe I’ll get out of some work?” Jun whispered to me, grinning. I just gave him a slight nod and a small smile. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to actually go see one of his concerts? He promised to take me, but will I really be able to go?

I hope she can go to the concert!
I bet jun would be super cute for her XD

My room was painted my favorite green. I had a low, futon bed with black silk sheets and a nice black comforter. The nightstand was steel with a glass table top. There was a matching silver lamp sitting on it. Across from the bed was a TV with a small book shelf stacked with movies. On both sides of the TV were white doors. One door lead to a closet and the other into a bathroom. The bathroom was painted white and powder blue. Everything inside was lower. Everything in my room was low. There was a set of buttons near my light switch.

“That’s if you need help,” my father said after I stared at it for a long enough time. “The red one calls to our bedroom, the green to my cell phone, the blue to your mother’s cell phone and the yellow is to Jun’s cell phone.” Pretty high-tech. Why don’t they just get a phone and have a phone number list? That wouldn’t cost so much and it’d be easy. It’s not like my brain is paralyzed, I’m still able to think and use it like I used to.

“We’ll leave you alone now,” my mother and father walked out. But Jun stayed. I wheeled myself over to my bed.

“How do you like it?” Jun tapped his feet on the hardwood floors. “Did you notice the window?” he looked up. I moved myself, slowly, onto the bed. Once I was on my bed, I looked up. There was a large skylight. “It was my idea. If the sun’s too bright, then you just flick that switch there…” he pointed next to my head. There was a light switch. “Then a cover will come out to block the sun.” once again, high-tech. I wonder how much this room cost. I bet it cost a lot. I nodded and closed my eyes.

I heard Jun walk over and sit down next to my bed, close to my head. I felt as his body leaned back and I felt his head rest next to my arm.

“Jun-chan…?” he whispered. I didn’t answer. “I hope you sleep well…”


“Jun-chan!” Jun ran into my room the next day. “I got you tickets to the concert!” He held out two concert tickets.

“Thanks…” I smiled. I’m going to his concert. I’m really going to his concert. I wanted to grin, from ear to ear, laugh, hug him, thank him. But all my body would let me do is sit there and have a half smile that didn’t show any of the gratitude I felt towards Jun.

“I’ll come pick you up, its on Thursday, and today’s Monday, so I guess I’ll see you in three days? There’s two tickets here…so if you want, bring a friend.” He set the tickets down on my nightstand. He then walked over to me and got down on his knees, hugging me. “I can’t wait to see you there! I’ll make sure its something you’ll never forget!” Jun then ran out, waving back at me.

Once I heard the front door open and close, I wheeled myself over to my nightstand. I picked up the tickets and looked at them.

“Jun-chan, these are the front row seats and backstage pass…” I sighed, smiling. “Jun-chan, you really are too much.” I set the tickets back down on the nightstand. “Who am I supposed to bring?” I thought of all the people who liked Arashi that I knew. Almost everyone. But out of them, who could I be ok with seeing? Maybe I could call my sister? She would be so happy to see Arashi.

“Jun-chan?” my mother walked into my room. “Oh, where’s Jun-chan?” she set down two glasses on my table. “I brought drinks. Did he go back to work?” I nodded. She walked over to me and picked up the tickets. “His next concert?” she smiled. “Who are you taking?”

“Reiko…” I mumbled.

“Oh! Your sister would just love that! Do you want me to call her?” I nodded. I haven’t seen Reiko since the third day after the stroke. She didn’t say much to me. It could have been just because I didn’t answer her questions that she stopped talking to me…I guess I can’t really blame her. “Junko, darling,” my mother turned to me, putting the phone down. “Your sister said she has to work that night, but if she can get out of it, she’ll love to come.” I nodded. My mother walked over to me and got down on her knees. “I can go if you want.” She winked at me. I rolled my eyes. Taking my mother? Then again, if my sister couldn’t go, I think I’ll ask my mother to take me.

“If Reiko can’t go…” I murmured. My mother nodded, not waiting for me to finish my sentence.

“I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me,” my mother stood up and left. I went over to my window. I want to go outside. I want to play basketball. I want to call Jun up and ask him to take me out for a drink. Well, I could do the last one, but it’s different in a wheelchair.

“Oh, Junko?” My mother came back into my room. I turned my head to look at her. “You have a doctors appointment tomorrow at three.” At least I had tomorrow that would keep me busy. What was I supposed to do on the other days? Is my life going to be like this forever? Stuck in this house, in this room, in this chair looking out the window wishing I could play basketball?

front row tickets and a backstage pass
jun really did get her amazing tickets. I'm eager to find out what will happen at the concert

“Jun-chan,” I heard my mother open the front door to let Jun in.

“Is Jun-chan ready?” his voice was so…happy. I closed my eyes. I heard my mother cough uneasily.

“She hasn’t been out of her room all day…” she sighed. “She won’t even talk or let us in.”

“Why?” I heard him take his shoes off. I heard each step that he took from the entry way to my room. “Jun-chan?” he knocked. “Ready? Its concert time!” he knocked again. “Can I come in?” the door knob rattled. “Will you let me in since you seemed to have locked the door?” I ignored him. No matter how much I wanted to let him in, I couldn’t. I couldn’t. “Jun-chan, c’mon, hurry up, I’m going to be late…”

“Jun-chan, go, I’ll make sure she gets there in time, ok?” My mother said softly. Jun let out a frustrated sigh. I then heard him leave. I heard each step that he took from my room to the entry way. I felt my heart clench. It seemed that every step he took away from me seemed permanent. Was I making a big mistake? But I just couldn’t go. Not like this.

The door opened, then slowly and quietly, it closed. I looked out my window, through the blinds, and saw Jun walking towards a black van. He paused before getting in, turning around to face my window. He said something to the driver and ran over to my window. I tried to turn away, face the other way, but my body just wouldn’t move. My legs wouldn’t move. I got half way around, but I couldn’t get my legs to move.

“Jun-chan!” Jun knocked on my door. I slowly moved my legs with my arm and settled for laying on my back, looking at the skylight. “Jun-chan!” Jun said again, knocking on my window. “I see you! I know you’re awake!” he stopped knocking and stood in front of the window for awhile. “Don’t you want to come to my concert?” his voice was soft, but loud enough to make it through to me. I had to use all the strength in me to keep from looking to me, telling him I want to go.

My eyes shut, tight, to keep the tears from falling down. It hurt to hear Jun’s voice sound so sad.

“I’m going now…” he said. I glanced his way. I turned just in time to see his head hang in disappointment and to watch him drag his feet to the van. The car started up and was gone in an instant.

“Junko,” my mother’s voice was stern. “You better have a good reason to have treated Jun-chan like that. He was being so kind to you by getting you two front row tickets and backstage passes to his concert. Free! And you ignore him? Not go to his concert?” my mother sighed. “Junko. Darling. What’s wrong? Why aren’t you talking?”

I wasn’t talking, mother, because I feel as if I talk, if I make anymore sudden movements, I might shatter something. Shatter this peacefulness I’m feeling in my mind right now. If it shatters, I’m afraid that I’ll lose everything. Myself. Life. Everything. I might be doing the wrong thing by not talking. I could, and probably am, but I can’t help it. I just can’t talk. It’s just killing me inside to not talk though. I just don’t know what to do. I just don’t want to live anymore. Why can’t you guys understand that? I just want to be let go. But I don't want to lose myself; I want to leave without losing myself. I want to leave the way I want to.

“Junko, if you don’t go to that concert, Jun-chan’s going to be very …” she let the sentence die. I know. He’ll be sad. He’ll be mad. But maybe then, he’ll stop coming. Maybe then, he’ll concentrate more on things that are more important than coming to see me all the time. I don’t want him to see me. Not like this, yet he still comes. Why? I don’t want anyone to see me like this. I’m so helpless. If I fell down, I couldn’t get back up by myself. I can’t live on my own. I can’t support myself. I can’t be independent. I hate myself for that.

I heard soft patters of my mother’s slippers hitting the floor as she walked away from my room.

“Sorry, Mom,” I whispered as the tears finally won and flowed down my face. I wept silently. “Sorry, Jun-chan…sorry…for everything.” I wiped the tears away furiously. I wanted to write a letter, an apology letter, anything, just a letter to Jun. I looked at my left hand, blurry with tears, and glared at it. Why couldn’t I be left handed? I was about to scream, scream with all the frustration I had pent up inside me.

“Yes?” my mother called right as my mouth opened to let the scream out. I stopped myself and listened. The door opened.

“Misako-san!” it was Jun’s mother. “How’s Jun-chan?” the door closed. “Is she going to make it to Jun’s concert?”

“I’m so sorry…” I could just imagine my mother bowing, lowering her head because of me. Apologizing, because of me.

“Oh, it’s ok. I don’t blame her; it must be so hard…”

“Come in, please. Would you like coffee?”

“Why, thank you,” Jun’s mother took off her shoes and I listened as the two of them pattered into the kitchen to have some coffee and to talk about kids. Me. Jun. Us. “Is she ok though?” I heard right before my mother closed the hallway door, cutting off the sound that came from the kitchen. I let out a sigh, letting my clenched fist uncurl.

“Why?” I closed my eyes, falling into a deep, dark, sleep.

awe poor matsujun he really wants her to go to the concert