WARNING: Some graphic language is used in this chapter
Chapter 19
Jun’s P.O.V.
The overhead fan wafted over my naked chest as I lay in bed, staring at it spin the same way my mind was doing. I’d just hang up the phone not too long ago because Aminata’s phone number had once again led me to the programmed voice that said the number that I was dialing was no longer in service.
It had been a long time since I’d talked to her or seen her. I wasn’t the only one who was worried. Her friends were especially worried. Gina wouldn’t talk to me and I thought she was mad at me too.
It was a late Sunday afternoon. Piles of homework were scattered on my desk but I couldn’t concentrate, which was odd. The last time I let personal issues get in the way of my goals was with Yuki and here yet again I was, losing my focus because of a girl.
I told myself not to worry about her because I had no hand in it. I knew she’d asked me over and over to tell her what the girls had said but she’d be really upset and that wasn’t needed. They’d made some ignorant racial slurs that made my blood boil I was so surprised I hadn’t exploded.
Against better judgment, I’d leaped off of bed, marauded my drawer for a black t-shirt which I slipped on and left with my keys in hand. It was a nice enough spring day so I wasn’t worried about outwear.
It didn’t take long for me to get to her place.
When I was at her doorstep, I found myself wondering why the hell I was there to begin with. I didn’t owe her anything. It hadn’t been my fault those people made those trite, ignorant remarks. Those people though were my friends. I had told them off because not only did I not agree with what they were saying, but I also thought they sounded like a bunch of closed minded, insecure assholes.
They made me ashamed to even give them the title friend.
Still, why did I go out of my way to make sure I came here today? I felt I had no obligation to her. But at the same time, I couldn’t turn my back on her.
Not especially when I’d told her that I could see us being good friends.
With a heavy sigh, I muttered a few curse words that would make my mother disappointed in me and knocked on the door. It was hard to tell whether she was home or not because she rarely ever used her car, so I couldn’t deduct her being there or not based on whether her car was in or not.
She hadn’t answered the phone either when I’d called and I was going to leave her alone when I noticed something odd. She’d stopped coming to class. By now I already knew enough about her to know that she didn’t just randomly miss class. We were going well into the fourth week and she hadn’t come to class.
Needless to say, I was worried.
Whether I wanted to admit it or not, that’s the real reason I was here.
When I saw the bright peephole darken I knew that she’d peeked through it to see who was there. Instead of answering it like I’d expected, the door remained lifeless and soundless.
Patiently, I waited for her to wage whatever war was impeding her from opening the door. And I waited. And I waited. Then it occurred to me that she was trying to pull off the act that she wasn’t at home. She should’ve had her lights off before trying to pull off that trick. Her checking the peephole had sold her out.
“I know you’re in there Aminata,” I said to her through the door, loud enough for her to hear incase she’d walked off.
Sighing heavily, I wearily ran my hand over my face, “Look, I don’t want to bother you. Just wanted to see if you’re okay.”
Riding on luck that my words had would persuade her to open, I waited. Aminata was too nice a person to leave somebody hanging and I knew she’d guiltily respond right away.
I must have not known her enough because there was no verbal or physical response. The door remained quiet and closed. Closing one of my eyes the way I did whenever grimacing due to an incoming headache, I sighed.
“Okay then. See you later.”
With that said I ambled off to the sidewalk.
Right before I hit the curb, I heard some chugging followed by a diminutive, weak, “Chotto…Matte…”
I turned around ready to give her a piece of mind. I was going to let her know that her behavior was unacceptable and childish because she had people worrying about her and didn’t care. Instead of letting off the rage that had steadily heated in me over the past three weeks I came up short. All the words that I had in store for her evaporated into thin air when I saw her not looking like her normal self.
Her usually delicate smooth features were paled and battered. She wore her hair heavily over her face to conceal the purplish, blue and magnetta bruise on her right cheek but failed. Dark shadows shaded her lower eyelids and her haggard demeanor proved that she hadn’t slept in days.
“Aminata…” I murmured with the bit of air left in my body, taking a slow step towards her.
Aminata quickly lowered her eyes from mine as if she saw what I could see in my eyes. Her shoulders shook as did her frazzled hair and her hands that were linked together wrung in what looked to be anxiety
“I haven’t been feeling well.” She attempted to lie. Her voice was trembling and tearful as she sniffed and wiped her nose with the sleeve of her long sweatshirt. One thing I’d always liked about Aminata was that she wasn’t stick thin. Yet for someone who I hadn’t seen in three weeks she’d lost a lot of weight pretty fast—weight that normally took people over six months to lose. Her shoulders looked like they were about to poke through the thick cotton of her sweatshirt and her cheeks looked hollow. One shoulder was hanging lower than the other.
She hadn’t been eating.
Something wasn’t right.
Not just with her though.
The type of fury that permeated through me went fast. As though I was made of gasoline and a torch had dropped on me, anger spread like wild fire beginning with my fists balling, racing up to my chest which heaved alarmingly as I huffed infuriated breaths and fulminated out of my mouth in the form of words.
“Who did this…” I demanded gruffly.
Not looking up at me, Aminata tiredly combed her hair with her hands, “No one Jun. I said I was tired—I mean I’ve been sick—Sick and tired—“
“Don’t lie to me.” I grated through gnashed teeth.
Aminata threw her head up to glare at me with droopy eyes. She hadn’t been getting any sleep either.
“If you came here to accuse me then you can leave. I told you that I was sick. I wanted to let you know that I’m fine. Since I wasn’t able to pay the phone bill this month my phone got cut off so just in case you tried to call which I’m sure you didn’t, that’s why I couldn’t answer,” attempting to make herself look strong by letting her arms fall rigidly to her side and raising her chin at me, Aminata swallowed hard before continuing, “That’s all I had to say. Thanks for stopping by. I’ll see you later.”
The moment she turned around and started for her door something inside of me snapped. Before I even knew what I was doing I’d closed the space between us with large strides and caught a hold of her arm. With one easy pull I turned her around to face me. She winced as though I’d hurt her. I released the pressure of my hand on her arm but didn’t let go. Her wide glossy eyes showed that she was shocked and a bit frightened even though I didn’t mean to frighten her. Admittedly, I was a little bit scared myself because of how strongly I was reacting to this. Looking at the bruise on her face only made my fiery anger hotter.
“Don’t lie to me.” I muttered in a calculatingly leveled tone.
“I’m not! I told you I was sick. Now let me go—“
“Walk away from me all you want but don’t f-ing lie to me!” I roared, making Aminata quiet down.
“What are you gonna do Jun? Beat the information out of me?” she shrieked back and it looked like yelling had derived all the energy out of her because that’s when twin tears spilled from her eyes.
“Aminata?” I called her worrisomely.
When she started to sob quietly Aminata buried her face in her hands and would have dropped to her knees had I not caught a hold of both her arms to keep her from going under.
“What’s wrong?” I asked concernedly.
“It was my fault…it was all my fault…” was all Aminata responded, crying into her hands.
“Aminata…”
“I don’t know what to do anymore…He hurt me Jun…”
Her words made me freeze completely. Unable to stop herself from spilling what was bottled up inside of her Aminata continued to pour her heart out.
“He—he tried to…oh god…”
Aminata weakened more, leaving me no choice than to wrap my arms around her, leaving her head against my chest. Her words made me so angry that for a few seconds I couldn’t speak. I almost couldn’t hear the rest of what she had to say but knew that if I wanted to know what had happened I had to stave off my anger and pay attention.
“I was so scared Jun. I’ve never been so scared in my life.” She whispered in a voice filled with hurt. I could feel the warmth of her tears as they soaked into my shirt.
“Shh it’s okay,” I told her softly to sooth her convulsing body, tucking her wild head of hair beneath my chin, “It’s okay. I’m here. Nobody’s going to hurt you anymore...”
For several moments we stood out there with my arms wrapped tightly, protectively around her. Realizing that Aminata probably needed to lay down, I pulled away to tell her we needed to go inside when she left me appalled by cinching onto my shirtfront.
“Don’t leave!” she pleaded in intense desperation, “Please. Not yet…”
The fear emanating from her was enough for me to feel, making the turbulence inside of me more chaotic.
Whoever had done this to her was going to pay.
“It’s okay Aminata. I’m not leaving you. I was just going to suggest that we go inside.”
As though not trusting me Aminata still clung onto me like I was her lifesupport. Slowly easing her from me, I brushed some hair away from tearfully swollen face. She flinched as if I’d hurt her, turning one side to conceal the healing wound on the side of her face.
“Don’t. I’m ugly.” She said, facsimileing more tears to gush down her face.
My heart fell. Holding her face gently I heedfully turned her head to face me, wiping her tears with my thumb.
“Don’t say that again. In my presence. You’re still beautiful. Now come on, let’s go inside okay? It’ll be fine. I’m not going anywhere. Okay?”
All the while I brushed frivolous strands away from her hair, wiped her tears making sure I avoided the wound. After a while Aminata finally capitulated with a bleak nod and taking one hand of hers—hers being unnaturally cold to my warmth—I walked her into her apartment.
“Lock the door.” She said hurriedly and I followed distractedly because of what lay in front of my eyes.
The first thing that shocked me was the vacancy and the brown boxes all piled up in one corner.
“What’s going on?” I asked immediately, alarmingly.
When Aminata didn’t respond and kept walking I followed pursuit.
We hadn’t even made it on the seat yet when Aminata was clinging onto my side. Once seated, I allowed her to curl beside me but from the way she kept on shifting I knew that she was uncomfortable.
“My shoulder…I sprained it. it hurts when I sit on this side.”
Without another word, I sat on her other side. When Aminata had settled on the line of her body I didn’t mind her heaving all her weight on me. It seemed being beside me made her feel safe and if that was enough to make her feel better then so be it.
I felt better making her feel better too.
But I also felt guilty because I wasn’t able to prevent whatever had happened.
“How did you sprain your shoulder?” I played devil’s advocate, knowing that she hadn’t been the one who’d hurt her own shoulder. In her grievances earlier she’d let the cat out of the bag that somebody else was responsible for this.
With her hand drawing idle circles on the shirt of my stomach, I watched Aminata’s sullen face as she opted not to answer. She was very reluctant and I couldn’t blame her.
A part of me didn’t want to know because I was guaranteed that I would find whoever did this and make them pay.
When Aminata spoke, the word was said as if she was afraid of merely saying it.
“Lamont…”
I bit my tongue to prevent me from sputtering an acidic curse word. With my hand gently rubbing her forearm, I forced myself to remain quiet and calm so that she could continue.
When she didn’t, I knew that I had to uproot it out of her.
“Aminata…tell me what happened…” I urged gently.
Aminata was quiet for a long time and just went I didn’t think she was going to answer me, I felt her shake against my chest, which made me feel a confusing pain in my chest.
“Aminata…” I said softly as I sat both of us up, carefully wiping away her tears as she cried.
“It was terrible.” She wailed. I rubbed her back hoping to comfort her.
“What was?” god, I hated seeing her like this…
After biting her lip for a while, Aminata finally spoke words that made my body burst into flames.
“ He nearly raped me…” she whispered and from the look in her eyes the memory was very fresh.
Stunned silence followed.
“What did you say?” I asked when I regained my faculties, forcing myself not to yell.
Drawing in a deep breath through her nostrils and exhaling it through her mouth, Aminata continued.
“It was after I’d left work the last time we had that argument. I swear I never saw him when I was leaving but I kept my eyes alert to my surroundings. I always do whenever it’s late at night and I’m closing. Well…” she sighed shakily, “Someone comes up behind me and put their hands over my mouth. He put my other hand behind my back and shoved it between my shoulder blades so sharply that that’s what caused me to sprain my arm. I truly thought I’d broken it. Then he forced me to go with him over to the wooded area that’s by the parking lots. I couldn’t scream because he had his hand over my mouth so hard I thought he was going to break my jaw. When we got there he threw me against the ground and it was so painful because of all the fallen twigs and vegetation there. He had this crazed look on his face, and when I tried to run away he grabbed my leg to stop me. he was saying all these crazy things, like how I belong to him and how nobody else can have me. And…”
Her voice tapered off and she looked reluctant to continue.
“It’s okay. You can tell me everything.” I surprisingly managed to say even amidst my inner rage.
Aminata took another deep breath before going on, “He…he really was mad because me and you have gotten close Jun. He thinks that the real reason I broke up with him is because I wanted you all along but that’s not true. I broke up with Lamont because he didn’t treat me right and he cheated on me. Well he…” the flood of tears returned to her eyes like her tear bags suddenly came undone, “He had me pinned down and was like ‘you never gave it to me before but once I take it from you now I know for sure nobody else will ever have you’.”
This time I didn’t hide it when I cursed. I was just about to shoot to my feet and walk to and fro to calm my nerves when I remembered Aminata didn’t want me to leave.
“He looked so devilish. This was a side I can’t say I hadn’t seen before. I’d see it everytime he’d grab onto my arm or get verbally abusive when we argued. I just…I couldn’t accept getting raped…and I started to wonder if that’s how my mother felt…”
Aminata’s sudden change in topic made me wonder if this experience had made her lose her mind.
Eying her dubiously, I asked, “Aminata, what are you talking about?”
Aminata looked the other way but I caught the tears sliding down her face before she did.
It seemed like an hour before she answered, but I forced myself to remain patient, wondering if I was ready for whatever she was going to say.
“I’m a rape child.”
The words were followed by deafening silence. Then, Aminata let out a scathing, bitter laugh.
“You’ve always wanted to know why I’m so insecure, why I feel I don’t deserve anything. Well, now you know, because I was conceived from a rape. That’s why my mother hates me. That’s why at times I wonder if I’m supposed to be here…”
To say I was shocked was an understatement. That was a tough pill to swallow.
Sniffing and sighing, Aminata flipped some hair away from her face.
“When I was much younger I’d ask my mother why she didn’t like me, and one day when I was a teenager and I found out, I no longer blamed her for hating me anymore. I’ve always felt selfish for feeling victimized from the way I was born, when she’s the one who suffered the rudiments of her rape more than I.”
Still at a loss of what to say, I listened. My own eyes begun to burn but I willed myself not to get overtly emotional.
“When Lamont had me down like that, I wondered if that had happened to my mom and if the same thing was going to be my fate. I wondered if that was my punishment for being alive…I started to consider that my mother’s close decisions to getting an abortion should’ve been done.”
“Don’t say things like that.” I hissed agitatedly.
“Well what’s the point of me being here if I all I do is bring problems to others?”
“You haven’t caused me any problems.” I said, making Aminata’s features soften.
Then they hardened again as she looked away, “Yes I have. I’m always putting you in a position to come to my aid.”
“I choose to come to your aid. So that’s my problem.”
Aminata was about to retort but didn’t say what she had in mind. After being silent for a while, she finally spoke.
“I can’t even handle life on my own. My lease is about to be up so that’s why all these boxes are here. I have to move. I can’t sign a new contract because I wont be able to pay rent for a while. I got fired because I haven’t been showing up to work. I’ve been too afraid. I—“She swallowed hard, lowering her eyes to her lap, “I dropped my economics class because I just can’t pass the class right now with exams being next week. All my other classes are okay. But I haven’t been able to focus.”
“That’s understandable…”I said. Resting my elbows on my knees, I intertwined my hands together over my furled mouth, trying to keep my cool. Lamont was so going to get it.
“I couldn’t accept getting raped, so I fought him and as you can see, he fought me back. When I screamed at the top of my lungs his slaps turned into a punch that nearly knocked the wind out of me. after that for a long time I was in so much pain I couldn’t scream anymore I was just begging him to stop but he proceeded to rip my shirt apart. But it was when he tried to bunch my skirt up that I said I wasn’t going to fall victim. I grabbed whatever that I could when he kneeled ontop of me. Found a thick twig and bashed it at the corner of his eye. That was thankfully my saving grace because his reaction made him let go of me.
“My head was still ringing from the punch he’d given me but I ran and ran as fast as I could. I was still a bit delirious but was able enough to find that my keys and purse were still on the floor. I didn’t care about my purse but my keys. Without looking back, got in my car and sped away as fast as I could.”
Another curse word left me and I remembered how that night I was such an immature asshole, ignoring her when I knew very well she’d had every right to be mad at me. While she was struggling for her life and sanity I was out forcing myself to party even though my sour mood had prevented me to fully enjoy myself. I found that I couldn’t enjoy doing most things unless Aminata was around.
“Have you told the police?” I asked gruffly, feeling sick inside, thinking of ways to make Lamont suffer as I stared sightlessly ahead.
Aminata’s humorless laugh was answer enough, “Oh yeah I tried that, but guess what? Lamont’s father is head of the school’s police department. Even if we took it to court guess what else, his uncle is one of the most respected judges of this county. Not to mention his mother’s brother is the president of the school…”
Yet another blasphemous word left my lips.
“I told the police the very day it happened and they were about to follow up on it but suddenly stopped. Up till now I don’t know why.”
This had to be one of the most messed up things ever. While Aminata was cowering away in her apartment, Lamont still walked around like he owned the place.
It just wasn’t fair and even though I was thinking of ways to make him pay, I was smart enough to know things like that were easier said than done. In reality I probably wouldn’t be able to do much but then at the same time I wanted to do something.
“I’m so sorry Aminata…” I apologize, swallowing with difficulty at the bitterness in my throat.
“Don’t be. It’s okay. It’s over. At least.”
“No, it’s not over. That son of a bitch is going to pay.” I knew Aminata wasn’t used to my vulgar language and I refrained from using it as much as possible but now was a different matter.
“Jun…”
“Yes?”
“Don’t do anything stupid. In fact, don’t do anything.”
I whipped my head to her like she was crazy, “I’m going to give him a piece of my mind.”
“Don’t.”
“So I just sit here and watch when my bestfriend has been hurt?” I looked away from her, shaking my head, “You really must not know me then.”
From the corner of my eyes I saw that Aminata was still staring at me after a long time and when I looked at her I saw that her eyes were glassy again.
“Hey…gomen…I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings…” I said unsurely.
“Best friend…” I couldn’t tell if she was asking or just saying.
“What?”
“J-just now Jun. You called me your bestfriend…” she said wondrously.
“Yeah well…you are one of my best friends. I thought you knew that already.”
After staring at me for a long time Aminata’s lips quivered and her eyes shone with more tears.
“Aminata wait. That’s not supposed to make you feel bad. I’m sorry.”
“No,” she said with a faint laugh, wiping on her eyes with her hands, “It’s not that. Just…these are the first happy tears I’ve cried in a long time. I’ve been so upset these past few weeks Jun. and part of it was because I didn’t have a chance to talk to you. I missed you…”
“I missed you too.” I confessed, making her look at me in surprise. I had missed her. Going from talking to her on the phone daily to not talking to her at all had been hard.
“Come here…” I urged in a soft whisper, my arms open as I reposed back into the couch. Aminata didn’t need any urging to do that, collapsing in my arms willingly. The rigid posture of her body was fully gone as she relaxed on me and I found that made me very happy.
“Does Gina know?” I asked after we sat in silence for a while. By then evening had claimed the afternoon and her apartment was mildly dark. She didn’t seem to mind and neither did I.
“No. She doesn’t know a thing. She thinks I’m mad at you because whenever she’d bring you up I’d tell her I didn’t want to talk about you.”
That explained that one time she randomly came to me and asked me what I’d done to Aminata. We’d nearly gotten into an argument about that but she hadn’t spoken to me since.
“Has Lamont bothered you again?”
“No. Not at all. Which is surprising compared to how he was practically stalking me before. Jun promise me you wont do anything.”
“I can’t make that promise.”
“You have to. Please. If not for good just for now only. Please. Lamont has taught me now that he’s capable of anything and I don’t want you getting involved.”
I groaned disagreeably and finally gave in to her plea. I was only going to do it for her.
“You were going to move without telling me…” I said next while eying the boxes in her house.
“No. Well, it’s embarrassing.”
“What is?”
“Moving and not knowing where I’m moving to.”
Her words made me tense up, “What do you mean?”
“I don’t have anywhere to go.” She admitted nonchalantly, “I don’t have any money right now. When id’ left my purse in the parking lot I guess someone had picked it up. I was so caught up in what Lamont had done I wasn’t thinking about canceling my cards or the diary that had most of my information in it. Next thing I know my accounts were cleared.”
“Damn. Why didn’t you just come to me?”
“Oh like I’m going to bother people brazenly like that. I have pride too you know.”
“I know but…you’ve had it rough for a while. I would have made things easier.” I said.
“I’m currently trying to be independent. I don’t have parents to run home to when I’m in trouble. My mother was glad when I was off to college. My grandmother, the only family who ever gave a damn about me, is dead. I have to pave my own way.”
“But you also have to let other people help you. Look, why don’t you move in with me for the next couple of days.” It was difficult for me not to stay on the subject of Lamont because it was still bothering me, but I knew Aminata didn’t want to linger on it.
Aminata’s silence told me she didn’t like the idea but I forged on.
“I’m not crazy and I’m mostly tidy, well except for my room. My clothes are everywhere in my room. And hey, there are some perks that may come with living with me. You get free gourmet meals. Come on, what do you say?”
“Well, even though it sounds tempting, I still have to think it over.”
“Alright.” I accepted, making it a note to keep bothering her about it until she gave in.
“One more question. About, what those girls were saying,” she paused, “Who are you?”
“Huh?” her question caught me off guard.
“Who are you really Jun? I’m just wondering. She kept saying things about fame and fans and I don’t know, it didn’t make any sense to me.”
I tried to decide whether to tell her or not, opting for the later. She was currently enduring a lot of stuff already. I hadn’t meant to make it a secret of who I was and what I did, but the opportunity had just never presented itself. And anyway, I wanted my character to define me, not my profession. Some of these friends of mine, especially the girls, truly only tolerated me because they know what I do.
Aminata was the only one who didn’t. I kind of liked it that way even though I knew she would find out one day soon. The way we were getting closer and closer at a speedy rate, it would be inevitable and secrets between us would be impossible.
“Look at it this way, I’m the guy who you call whenever you need something. Or the guy you lean on when nobody else is around. And I’m the shoulder you cry on, like now, when you need to release your tears. That’s who I am and that’s who I should be to you.”
Aminata raised her head to look at me, obviously surprised by my words. In a way, I was surprised by them too. Slightly embarrassed and surprised, but for the most part, I meant each and every one of them.
Blushing deeply, Aminata nodded in satisfaction, rested her head on me again, hugging the trunk of my body tight.
“Arigatou.” She said.
“Oh yeah, Aminata?”
“Hmm?”
“Don’t ever think you’re a mistake or wonder if you should be alive okay? You’re not a mistake. You’ve blessed many people and their lives—mine included. I don’t want you to ever feel like you’re not important…because, you’re important to me.”
Again, Aminata looked at me, her expression more appalled than before.
“Jun…”
“Hopefully that means something to you…”
“It does…you don’t know how much…” her eyes became glassy again and I laughed softly as I combed her hair with my fingers.
“You really love crying huh?”
“Hush.” Embarrassedly, she buried her face on my chest.
We lay against her couch for a long time, me idly playing with her hair and her finally catching some rest against my chest.
“Jun?” she called out into the dark suddenly.
“Yes?”
“I…I…Don’t want you leave.”
“I don’t want to leave either.”
“…promise?”
Smiling to myself, I caught a handful of her hair and tilted her head to seal a kiss on her forehead.
“I promise.”
In due time Aminata fell asleep on my chest and I found that I didn’t mind.
I didn’t mind at all.
Last edited by hello on Tue Apr 15, 2008 2:28 pm; edited 2 times in total
The moment I opened the door to my house I let out a startled scream and put my hand over my mouth, making the scream garbled.
“Yes. You should scream because your head is about to get chopped off. Do you know how long I’ve been here cleaning up your mess?”
Closing the door behind me, I glowered at my older step-sister, who lay supinely and comfortably on the couch, “Shut up. Nobody asked you to come here.”
“Yeah well,” she continued to casually flip through channels with the remote, “Someone had to fix this mockery you made of this place.”
Despite her catching me off guard and rattling my nerves a bit, I was truly glad to see her. It had been a while since I’d seen any family—namely her crazy self.
Regardless, even though we weren’t blood-sisters, I loved her to death. Apart from Gina, she was the only person I could trust with my life.
And maybe, Jun.
He was my life saver to put it exactly.
Jun had not only helped me by letting me stay with him for a few weeks but he’d also helped me find a new place. Living with him had been the most fun I’d had in a long while and either my mind was playing tricks on me or Jun was just as upset as I was when I had to move out.
The new place I got was nice and fairly better than the old one. No one but Jun and Gina and my sister knew about this new place. All of them had a spare key and that explained why I found her here.
“Whatever Cynthia,” I sniffed the heavenly aroma of meatloaf wafting from the kitchen, “You made dinner too? Okay what’s going on?”
“Nothing. Hey, do you want to go clubbing tonight?”
“No!” I threw my bookbag on the sofa and went to the kitchen.
I returned gulping on a can of soda that I shouldn’t have been drinking with all the evil calories imbued in it.
I sat on the opposite end from my sister. She was a goddess among goddesses when it came to the appearance department. She had features that to closed minded people constituted to classical beauty. A narrow nose that I could only attain with the help of a plastic surgeon. Large dark eyes that sparkled brightly. A chin that had an adorable blunt tip. Cheekbones that when she smiled rose and protruded, making her eyes crinkle attractively at the corners. Speaking of her smile, she had been blessed with perfectly straight, white teeth—which I had to get by wearing braces for a grueling and humiliating four years of my teenage life. Her body was leaner than mine because unlike me, she watched what she ate and piously kept to her diet and workout regimen. Her five foot seven height gave her the long lusty limbs that belonged to someone who was born to be a model.
I’d have hated her if she wasn’t the most down to earth, caring and earnest person I had ever met. I envied her, but never got jealous because in all the years I’d known her she never tooted her own horn. I guess being a knock out in the appearance department had its disadvantages. During her college years she’d had a horrifying experience with a guy who stalked her all because he thought she was the most perfect human being on the face of the earth. She’d had to get a restraining order on him, and when even that didn’t work, he’d attempted to kidnap her and only heaven knew what he would do with her from then on. While serving a two-year sentence in prison for violating the terms of Cynthia’s restraining order he’d gotten into an altercation with his cellmate that resulted in his death.
Even if he wasn’t alive the effects of the traumatic experience he gave Cynthia had never worn off. It had been arduous for her because Cynthia was the take-charge kind of a girl. She didn’t let anyone run her. She always figured things out on her own without asking for outside help. She was independent and was set on making something of herself. Yet because of this crazed man she had nearly given up on all her dreams and aspirations, leaving them in the mud. She couldn’t understand how a man who she didn’t even know enforced so much power over her life by making her the coward she swore to people that she was—even though I knew deep down inside my sister was sensitive and behaved tough because she was aware of her sensitivity. She used it like a shield.
Having dated guys who only dated her for her often disheartened her because at times she worried if she had nothing else to offer. But she had proved everyone wrong who thought her aspiration was to become a model or an actress. She was currently in Graduate school, aiming for a masters in public health. Not to mention she was bilingual. She spoke four different languages. Most guys didn’t know or much less care for these things about her, and if they did, they used her as a trophy instead of a partner. She was often weary about men and the unfair hatred from jealous women, but for the past year she’d been talking to this guy who seemed to have potential. I mean, I liked him, and I never usually liked her boyfriends.
“So, what have you been up to?”
“I heard your weight has been fluctuating.” Cynthia told me bluntly and I frowned. She was always very honest—too honest at times. Brutally honest.
“Thanks for sparing my feelings.” I gave her a sarcastic smile.
“Is it cause of the break up?” she too wore a small frown.
Her question made me tense up and it was because I hadn’t told her what had happened between Lamont and I.
The entire situation with Lamont wasn’t going great either. While he still sauntered around campus like he was a king I was still suffering the rudiments of the assault. I would wake up in a heap of sweat from the nightmares of that night, fearing that he was peeking through my window waiting to attack me again.
After a few nightmares I’d end up calling Jun and even though he was a heavy sleeper for some reason my calls broke through that sleep. I knew he was a heavy sleeper because that night he came over and I revealed a lot about myself we’d fallen asleep arm in arm but that’s as far as things went.
From there me spending an innocent night at his house or him doing the same for me wasn’t abnormal like it would have been many months ago.
Thank god for Jun. I couldn’t describe how helpful he’d been. That was part of why we’d gotten close. And I would always be grateful to him for his support.
“How did you know about the break up?” I asked uneasily.
“Word gets around. And anyway, since I know you don’t tell me anything, I have to do some investigating on my own.”
“Damn Gina.” I muttered, making a note to deal with her later. I knew that I couldn’t really blame her though. Word had spread like wildfire around campus that the ‘power’ couple had finally broken up. The girls who hated my cheered while stealthy guys who just wanted to have fun with my body began making advances. Fortunately none of them were particularly serious about anything.
“I hope you haven’t been moping around.” Cynthia remarked suspiciously.
“I haven’t.”
“Liar.”
“I’m not moping around.”
“Then why won’t you go clubbing with me this weekend?”
“Maybe because I’m trying to become a better student and focus on my studies. Not all of us are naturally smart like you.”
She sighed in annoyance, “Lamont was a no good anyway. You didn’t need him.”
“I guess.”
“So now it’s time to move on to someone else. Anyone interested you lately?”
“No!” I negated with a tad bit too much asperity. She narrowed her eyelids at me.
“Um…that means yes…right?”
“No…ugh! I’ll never tell you anyway.”
“Why not?” she looked a bit hurt.
“Because…” I began to tell her she wouldn’t understand, but considering how open minded my sister was, a part of me knew she would. I was often very reluctant to tell people who I liked because of me and Jun’s different cultural backgrounds. I know, I know, that’s very shallow of me, but it was something I couldn’t help. He was just so unlike the guys I normally liked that I felt a bit abnormal for liking him. Moreover it was the fact that I knew he would never like me the same way.
Thinking of him elicited images of the dream I’d had in my mind, making my face hot with blush.
“Oh, there goes the look. Aww, you already have a crush? Wow,” she giggled girlishly, “you didn’t waste any time when you broke up with Lamont huh?”
“Not true!”
“Oh. So you liked him longer…?”
I bit my lip guiltily, making peals of laughter leave Cynthia.
“What’s so funny?” I asked self-cautiously.
“You are. You just admitted that you’ve been liking this guy for a long while. Tell me, what’s his name?”
“Never.”
“Then I’ll just go ahead and tell Mom the actual person who broke her china set last Thanksgiving was you and not poor Harry.”
My mouth dropped. Harry was our two year old nephew whom I loved to death but sold to the devil the time I labeled him the miscreant who’d somehow managed to climb up her cupboard to play with her set. Harry having a history of demolishing things, it hadn’t been too farfetched to make him the blameworthy party. Thankfully his age had excused him of the spanking and yelling I would have received—being that I was mindlessly chatting on the phone while stupidly carrying the trey that carried it with one hand.
The guilt still thrived within me to this very day.
“You wouldn’t!” I pleaded with my sister who smirked villainously.
“Unless you spill…”
“Michael! Michael. That’s his name.”
Sighing heavily, Cynthia reached for her purse and pulled out her cell phone.
“Every lying dog has its day…” she sang to herself as she punched buttons on her phone.
“Jun!” I corrected immediately, making her pause.
“Huh?”
I sighed a shaky sigh.
“Jun. His name is Jun.”
“Jun what?”
When I didn’t say anything, she began punching numbers again.
“Mastsumoto…” I revealed hurriedly, “that’s his name. Jun Matsumoto.”
She froze and flew her eyes up to me. For several moments she didn’t say anything. Then she began to laugh, making me utterly embarrassed and especially foolish. The rage that fired through me was so hot I shot up to my feet and stamped towards my bedroom. When she reached to stop me, I tried yanking my hand away.
“Leave me alone! This is why I didn’t want to tell you.”
“No wait wait. All this time I thought we were referring to a real person. I didn’t know you had a crush on some Japanese actor.”
“What are you talking about? He is real. He’s in my Economics class. He goes to my college,” I refrained from saying that Jun and I were friends, “And how did you know he’s Japanese?”
The actor comment threw me. How could she have known that he had an undying love for Jun? Something rather odd was transpiring and I was the dimwit of it all.
Cynthia stared at me quietly for a while, no longer laughing.
“Hmmm, well I guess it’s not too unbelievable that someone else has the same name. Nothing. Nevermind me. It’s just that you mentioned this Japanese entertainer,” a surreptitious smile curved her lips and she winked at me, “I knew you’d start feeling the Asian persuasion soon.”
“Shut up.” I retorted defensively, unable to believe that I had just spilled my most well kept secret. Huffing a heavy sigh, I shambled towards the bathroom.
“Hey, where are you going?”
“To take a shower.” I answered in a clipped tone, never looking back.
“This is no way to treat a guest. Gosh, why are you being so defensive?”
“Because Cynthia I really like him.” I found myself confessing, finding the vehemence of my confession startling. Not only because I’d disclosed yet to another soul that I liked him.
No.
It’s becaue the confession itself was a lie.
I didn’t just like Jun anymore.
I was starting to feel something else. Something stronger. Deeper. Something more painful.
And it was getting harder and harder to control because he didn’t know.
Even those few times I let my vulnerability slip, he was as blind as a bat as if someone like me finding him attractive was so unheard of the mere prospect of it happening was a one in a trillion chance.
He had absolutely no clue.
I’d turned around and as I faced her I wore a heavy frown on my face. She must have noted it because the playful smirk she wore was soon erased, replaced with a mixture of seriousness and concern.
“Wow. It’s that serious?”
Staring at Cynthia reluctantly, I wondered if telling her was the best option.
“It’s not serious per say. It’s just…I don’t know. It’s weird. Nevermind me.”
“Have you told him?” she asked me suddenly and I scowled at her.
“Why would I put myself on death row like that?”
Cynthia laughed and gave me a funny look, “You make this guy sound like the devil.”
“He’s close to it.” I murmured under my breath, remembering the last time he almost had my head for not paying attention to his physics to the essence of life because a cute guy had walked by. He seriously got up, said forget it and walked off, making me debase myself by chasing after him.
He’d been so cute though when I grabbed his arm and stopped him apologizing wholeheartedly. That was when I noticed his brows would form a ‘v’ and his cheeks would puff out squirrel-style whenever he was mad. That was the cutest image I’d ever seen and when I started to laugh Jun shrugged me off and stormed off once again.
“Why are you smiling like that…?”
My sister’s voice penetrated through the memory could surrounding me.
“What?” when I noticed my lips were upturned I quickly let my face muscles constrict into a serious expression, making her laugh.
Thoroughly ashamed that a man could have me acting like this, I ventured towards the kitchen, “What’s for dinner?”
As Cynthia and I ate, I hinted to her that she should stay at a hotel because Jun was known to drop himself by whenever he pleased at any hour of the day. God forbid if they ever ran unto each other. Even though I’d given only Gina, Jun and Cynthia a spare key, this was Cynthia’s first time at my new apartment meaning it was her first time using the key. She was always so caught up in her own life which was why I was shocked to find her here.
Eventually she began to get suspicious with my suggestions so I swallowed them and kept them in tact. I would just have to ride on luck that Jun wouldn’t show up. He was gentleman enough to always call before he came here anyway.
After I’d eaten some good old home cooking after not having some for a long time, I sat sluggardly with an idle hand rubbing a stomach that I thought was about to explode from satiation. Watching a TV show called Dancing With the Stars, I was pretty content until Cynthia sharply called out my name.
“What?” I griped, glancing down the hallway.
“You have to go buy some soap!” she yelled out and I stared at the hallway like she’d lost her freaking mind.
“Okay…” I said quietly to myself and continued watching TV.
Nearly fifteen minutes went by before my name was bellowed again.
“What?!” I shot back.
“Come and see this!” she practically shrieked. My neighbors were not fond of noise so I knew they’d be throwing a fit next morning with all the back and forth yelling Cynthia and I were doing.
“See what?!” I called out aggravatingly, not wanting to move from my sweet spot on the couch.
“Just come!”
Ten seconds went by of fuming with myself and wondering if it was really worth it for me to leave my haven and go that short distance that seemed long to her room.
Curiosity killing the cat, I grudgingly pushed myself up the chair and wobbled slothful to her room.
When I got there I saw that the room was darkened save the bright light streaming from her laptop. Sitting Indian style on the rumpled bed, Cynthia’s laptop sat in front of her, lightening her face and emphasizing her amusedly shimmering eyes.
“What?” I asked peevishly, making my way over to the bed.
When I sat down beside her she pushed the laptop in my direction and what I saw nearly made me have a heart attack
A music video of five Asian guys all of different height and facial bone structure was playing in front of me. I felt my face paling when I saw someone who resembled Jun so strongly that it was scary. His hair was much longer than Jun’s…that was truly the only difference.
My sister was talking the entire time but she sounded like a radio with bad service to me. I couldn’t hear a word that she was saying because I was trying to make some sense of what she was showing me even though something inside of me told me that I already got it.
When the video was finally over, some credits in a white font popped up at the bottom left hand side of the screen. The first thing that instantly drew my attention was the name ‘Arashi’ and a bell rang loudly in my head to that day on the bus when Jun had tried to assist me to pronounce it.
Ingesting with difficulty I watched as my step-sister closed out the now blackened video to another window that showed a picture of…the guy who strongly resembled Jun. Sitting cross legged with black pants. His shirt was of navy blue stripes and a white shirt with two heads belonging to rock stars from the U.S. in the seventies era. Jun’s face—the guy who looked like him at least—was looking to his right in a vulnerable yet skeptical manner. As my sister wagged her tongue consistently, she kept on clicking further and further to more pictures of Jun.
She finally got to what I guessed was a profile page which listed Jun’s—the guy who looked like him—entire name, which was Jun Matsumoto. It also listed his blood type, his birth date—which was the exact same day as Jun’s—and so forth. What really pulled me in fully was the occupation which listed singer and actor. Under associated acts it stated that he was involved in a group who called themselves Arashi.
“So?” Cynthia nudged me, “Is that him?”
With my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth from aridity I was unable to give a verbal response.
“I don’t really keep up with their news but what it looks like on Wikipedia is that he’d abruptly quit the group and moved to the States to pursue an education. Some say it was just a rumor that he’d come here to hone his skills in English. Others said he’d run off because of the death of his rumored girlfriend and co-star Yukie Yamamoto. Others said he was tired of the oppressions from Johnny’s overbearing hand and had fled to America to be with some girl he was rumored to be going out with,” she chortled softly to herself, “He’s a cutie though. I used to watch his dramas when I was into the whole Japanese culture.”
Unable to say anything, I simply stared at the kanji in front of me, a cluster of symbols I couldn’t comprehend. It was easy for Cynthia to read it because she’d studied it for years. My eyes drifted slowly up to the picture of Jun in a tailored beige trench coat with a red scarf for a tie and black slacks.
He looked so sophisticated and…far away.
Feeling as though I’d been booted in the gut I sat trying to regain my breath. I couldn’t understand why I was feeling hurt, made a fool of, and most of all…intimidated. Staring at those pictures of Jun ranging from him smiling, to laughing, to mean mugging, to appearing untouchably professional I wondered if I truly knew him at all.
Untouchable…
Suddenly the Jun that I had sat intimately close to in a darkened theater and in the quiet space of my home now only seemed like a far away dream.
“Are you okay?” Cynthia finally zapped me out of my thoughts and made me look at her. The wrinkled frown on her forehead made cut my face with the most plastic smile I’d ever worn in my life.
“Ye-yes I’m fine. I think I’m going to go buy that soap that you were talking about.” I knew I sounded and looked like a zombie but the effects of shock had numbed me.
“Is that him?” she asked eagerly, her eyes averting from the laptop screen to me.
Hesitating, I glanced down at Jun’s picture and felt shivers cascading down my back.
“No,” I said a bit airily and gave Cynthia an absurd look, “It’s not him. Definitely not.”
Figuring Cynthia wouldn’t be there longer than a week, I lied to her so that she wouldn’t make anything of it.
Getting up on wobbly legs, I made for the door. My hands were balled into fists, pressed against my upper thighs to keep them from shaking.
“Hey don’t worry about the soap. I just checked the weather online and they say that it’s about to rain.”
Acting as though I didn’t hear her, I left her room unabated and headed towards my bedroom where I often kept my keys. After putting my jacket on which lay in my bedroom, I left without letting Cynthia know.
I couldn’t believe this. I couldn’t believe any of this.
What I couldn’t believe even further was the immense betrayal I felt battering my heart.
When my phone buzzed against my countertop I stared at it with copious distrust and consternation, as if it were a difficult equation that only Einstein could solve. The ringing it produced was so tempting, especially with the name that popped up on it.
Seeing his three-lettered name made my breath quicken unsteadily, nervously. Gnawing at my bottom lip distressfully, I turned away from my weakness.
A voice inside of me goaded me to answer the phone, yet another voice told me that I still needed time and wasn’t ready.
Another part of me told me that I was unnecessarily overreacting.
Before I could make up a decision, the decision was already made for me when the phone stopped ringing.
He hadn’t left a message.
This was the second time Jun had called me in the past three days since I’d found out about him. Each time no message was left. Whereas I was partially glad of this because hearing his voice would only make me ache, another part of me was missing him.
This absence from him showed me how much I’d gotten used to Jun being in my life. After figuring out who he truly was I wasn’t too sure if it was so much of a good thing or not.
Sighing heavily, I pushed myself off of the counter, walked up to the coffee maker and poured myself a hot cup of coffee.
After stirring in the creamer, I retreated to my bedroom, all the while nursing my coffee.
With Cynthia currently out running some errands, I had time to myself. All I ever did was go to work at my new job at a thrift store close to my apartment—thankfully Jun never really got around to going there frequently but I knew if I didn’t show up soon then he would. Since I dropped my economics class due to my event with Lamont—which I would still have nightmares about—that saved me obligation from having to see Jun. I made sure not to go where I knew he usually waited for me after classes. This had all been in the course of three days though. But this was my hibernation phase, when I was trying to let reality settle within me.
Even though I know I should’ve been focusing on the homework that lay waiting for me in my bag pack, I couldn’t concentrate. The last few days had been dedicated to the internet, searching for what I could find out about Jun’s true identity. Ironic how I was using a gadget that most people used to veil their identities. Nonetheless, I found a wealth of information.
Settling in my small office chair, I turned on my laptop which sat on the polished wooden desk I used for studying. I hadn’t bothered to turn the lights on when I’d come in today or any of the other previous days. I felt too exposed. Like the lights were taunting me, reminding me of how gullible I’d been when the signs had been clear as day, bright as the bedroom lights.
The chances of a college student owning a club were slim to none—unless they came from a family of prominence. My conclusion for that was that maybe Jun came from an affluent family back in Japan.
The next stream of signs derived from comments I vaguely remembered of Gina telling me how when he’d first come here he was really popular with the girls. But hell, how would I have known? I was submerged deep in my own world, in my own reality. Lamont had been part of it, taking up most of it. Fashion, friends, and trying to run away from my troubling past were what had filled my thriving life back then. I hadn’t even known about Jun’s existence until much later.
The girl who I’d had an encounter with that day in the library should have been the icing on the cake. I can’t count how many times she said the words ‘fame’ and ‘fans’. My deduction was he was popular and had a lot of friends—female friends at least.
Still, how had I not seen this meteor coming? When it came it came like a bulldozer, knocking me over with its weight. The night I’d walked out when Cynthia told me I’d been delirious from the blow, walking aimlessly through the isles of the supermarket. Barely searching for the soap I was supposed to I was busy trying to make some sense of how that could happen.
Chances of that happening to a girl was literally a one in a million shot of a meteor striking me solely out of all the billion or more inhabitants of the world.
How was I supposed to feel? Great? Lucky? Happy? Sad? Was I supposed to even feel anything?
What did his status and social standing have to do with me? It didn’t change the person that he was right?
Bullshit. Thinking that way was for kindergarten, when Cinderella was the anthem us girls lived by. Fairytales outlooks like those are meant for adults who have ultimately refused to let go of childlike perspectives.
It changed the person that he was because it was a part of him. And no, I wasn’t being biased.
By then I was on a popular site where one could watch a gazillion videos of everything. With the abundant amount of videos that I’d watched in the past three days one would think I was one of two things. A well paid researcher who was just doing their job or a bona fide obsessed spinster who still held onto her youth by looking at young guys.
I was neither. I was just shocked, still trying to let the truth sink in. My mind seemed too clogged up to allow any sinking in though.
If I had to be damned honest with myself, I thought the group that Jun was in, Arashi, I think, was way too feminine. With their panache outfits and bright, girlish colored videos I didn’t know what else to expect. For a second I second guessed some of their sexualities, finding my flushed face getting hot as I watched them. Then after a while I got used to it. The guys being slightly effeminate didn’t mean that they weren’t real men. They were just open with their emotions…especially two of them. I still confused the names but I think their names were Ohno and Nino or something of that sort. Even in my discomfiture though I did laugh when in an interview, the other members confessed that they too had their suspicions about those two at times.
After thorough investigation I learned the other two were called Aiba and Sho. Just by looking at a few pictures with Aiba smiling I was sure he was the brightness of the group. I realized I was right in an interview when a man who co-hosted in one of their variety shows if Aiba wasn’t there the room would be dull and lifeless. I read on a biography listing that Sho was the intellectual one, managing to grasp a degree in economics while actually still being in the group. I found that more than amazing. Another thing I found kind of nice was that he’s the one who goaded Jun to finish school when he’d had plans of leaving altogether to focus on his career.
Its incredulous how had Sho not steered him in the educational direction I wouldn’t have known who he was. An unnerving chill barreled down my spine, making me feel all sorts of insecure and uncertain.
That’s one of the many new feelings that had settled in me ever since this revelation. The security and safe haven I’d felt for the friendship Jun and I shared was no longer there. I couldn’t fathom why.
With my fingers wrapped tightly around my mug, I leaned back into the chair, watching the interview avidly. It was a personal, candid, one on one conversation where Jun answered his questions honestly.
Like he had told me months ago, he was always honest. Even in his interviews, which was something celebrities never did here in the States. Everything was fabricated and programmed. No matter how well-trained they were, making their fabrications sound like truths, most of the things they said weren’t true.
Despite the thick cloud of mystery surrounding Jun, there was a seriousness about him that came unmatched compared to the other members. A seriousness about his passion for acting and performing. His devotion to his career was so strong I nearly felt it in electrical waves through the computer screen.
So…why run away from all that he knew? From all that he loved?
Needless to say, Jun was the most popular among the other members. It was almost a little bit confusing as to why. Not to say he wasn’t likable, but being brutally honest, the other’s personalities were a bit warmer—especially Ohno’s and Aiba’s—yet almost each fan was drawn to Jun like a moth to a flame. Nino was the type of person who observed and because of that I imagined someone could talk to him about a lot. Sho was very likable too though after reading some of their interviews I got the impression that he would close up sometimes.
Jun gave off this persona that made him something of a determent. Not that he was a misanthrope who loathed people. He just didn’t open himself up to people like others did. And I was galled by my earlier inference when we barely knew each other that he didn’t just walk up to strangers with open arms. Jun didn’t make friends first. And he was right, once the right people came to him, he was like an open book willing you to read every word of every page.
That’s what made me feel betrayed and dejected about this whole experience though.
I thought he was fully open with me. Especially after I’d been open with him, no strings attached in any kind of form.
Of course it didn’t take long for me to find out that parts of the reason why he was well liked were because of his heartbreakingly handsome face and undeniable talent. His talent stunned me into numbness at some point when I watched a particular play that he starred in. it wasn’t even talent per-say. It was his dedication. That, to me, is more valuable than talent because someone can have a talent and not put it to any use. Even from the variety shows that I watched I noted that Jun always tried to figure how he could be better. It could be the most trivial of activities, like throwing a dart making sure it struck the center, or hyping up the crowds of fans who flocked to their concerts giving them what they came for and even much more.
In another reading it claimed that Jun cared for the group’s well being the most and would probably be the last one to leave it.
Yet here he was; the first.
The irony.
Why had he left?
Why?
Yuki Yamamoto, the answered blared in me mentally soon as I imposed that question on myself.
When Cynthia had first told me that one of the rumors was him leaving because of his deceased girlfriend, I couldn’t react solely to that alone because there was so much to take in. The wheels in my mind were still fixated by the shock of it all.
Clicking out of the interview before he could talk about how marriage had been on his mind for a while, I browsed the net for the Yuki girl’s photos.
Her beauty was out of this world and I always had tabs on my jealousy up until I saw who she really was. It’s not even because she was once an actress who could also sing and dance. Neither was it the graceful way she carried herself. It was the fact that that’s the kind of girl that Jun had gone for, already finalizing for me what his standards truly were. To put it shortly, they were sky high.
I can’t begin to imagine how Jun could even think I reminded him of her. For starters, our skin tone was way different. She was slightly darker than Jun, with a healthy tan that made her skin glow in all the photos I saw of her. She had lustrous long, sandy brown hair that I could only wish for and attain through extensions. Her eyes were large and dark, able to reel someone in without fail.
She was gorgeous. She was also dead.
A tragic plane crash had claimed her life. Reporters say that Jun had been there to see her off to France where she was going to be filming her next drama—which I slowly learned were very popular in Japan.
Another thing I learned is that the question of whether Jun and Yuki were a couple remained just that—a question. No one was for certain.
The company that Jun worked for and represented, called The Johnny’s, had a cluster of decrees. One of them was that they couldn’t have girlfriends. I only learned that through message boards because their main website was constructed in kanji which I didn’t plan on ever succeeding in learning.
Other fans claimed the guys did have girlfriends but kept it covert because their marital status actually affected their job. Even though I thought that was a load of crap I couldn’t blame the execs for thinking that way. Boy bands, no matter what part of the world they’re from, are great marketing tools targeted at young girls who still vaguely hold on to those Cinderella, Snow White and Sleeping Beauty fairytales. I know enough about boy bands because I was once such a religious Backstreet Boys head it wasn’t funny.
I wasn’t a genius by all standards, but I was clever enough to know that the CEO’s of those music companies played their cards very carefully—no matter how much their employees sacrificed. They know that every young girl wants the perfect prince to gallop up the hill, through the fire, and slay the dragon in order to come save them with a promising kiss before whisking them away into a palace where they’ll supposedly live happily ever after.
Boy bands were the princes and fans were the damsels in distress. The marketing strategies of these companies are so strategic and stealthily done that a girl won’t even notice that it’s a business. She’ll think the star studded guys are truly doing whatever they can for her when in reality, it’s just their job. The same way if mommy is a nurse, she has to go to work and be nice to the patients because that’s what she’s being paid to do.
Not to say these boy bands didn’t like what they did or truly love the fans. It was just so crazy to me that that was who Jun was, a celebrity, who probably liked nice expensive things and took pricey vacations to Hawaii and all the exotic wonders of the world.
I knew I was being an idiot though, immature maybe, to let something like this affect our friendship. But who wouldn’t? This was the kind of thing that happened in those featherbrained stories you read on lazy afternoons when there was nothing better to do. The kind of fan fiction where in an unrealistic turn of events everything works out in the end and the fan girl willingly accepts the guy’s fame that she didn’t know about and they fall in love and live happily ever after.
Sighing sharply at the idiotic thoughts, I put my laptop to sleep, shot up to my feet to put on my working out garments. Why was I thinking that far ahead? Happily ever after? Whose to say Jun and I will even be friends after school is over? We’ll probably never see each other again.
He’ll probably move back home to his thrilling life, too caught up in work to care about some black friend he made, who used to cause him problem after problem.
As I headed outside into the dawning evening with the intentions of working out at the park, I called Cynthia to let her know where I was going as I locked the door. She told me she’d meet me there.
Walking to the bus stop, I couldn’t help the thoughts that rushed back to me, leaving me with that same uncertainty of before.
Staring at the vermillion horizon as I walked ahead, I sighed then swallowed hard at the huge knot in my throat.
If only this was fiction.
This was real.
And more often than not, reality doesn’t always have happy endings.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jun’s P.O.V.
“Well? What do you say?” Ohno Satoshi asked me hopefully in Japanese over the long distance phone call
All I could do was heave a distressful sigh out of me, rubbing on my nape where tension had built.
“You’re asking for a lot Ohno-kun.” I murmured to him, hoping I wasn’t hurting his feelings but thinking that he should’ve been man enough to understand. What I did understand regardless was that Ohno wasn’t like any other guy. Even though Ohno laughed it off giving off the impression that he was letting it go like water smoothing over stones, I knew better. Ohno was a sensitive cub at heart. As one of my co-workers for over ten years, I knew him like the back of my hand.
I was seated in the park on the bench that I’d found Aminata occupying once as she drew her grandmother. The memory brought a soft smile to my face. But at the remembrance that she’d been ignoring me the smile dropped like it’d never existed.
“Well, are those people there so much better than us that you really want nothing to do with us anymore?” he asked with that unique laugh of his even though I knew that deep within the folds of that question was a hint of seriousness.
“No,” I let out a groan, sitting back into the bench until I was slouched on my spine. Slinging one booted foot over the other, I stared at the network of lines climbing up the large tree beside the bench, “it’s not like that. It’s just…I’m not ready to come home. If I go to summer school this year and one more semester during the fall, I’ll be done. Then we’ll see what’s next.”
I don’t know why I said that when I didn’t even know what was next.
The thought made me frown dejectedly, the wind making me aware once again of my surroundings.
The night was young. A soft breeze caressed the air, rustling the leaves of the adjacent tree. With a heavy sigh, I glanced up at the cloudless sky, stamped with a trillion stars. It was a beautiful night but to hell with that. It was much easier to enjoy the beauty of nature all by myself before, but I found myself being too aware that I had no one to share this beauty with. I had softened up over the past few months, which wasn’t a good thing. It let my guard down.
For some reason Aminata popped in my head when I thought about the shield I kept over myself being broken through.
Where the hell was she? And why wasn’t she answering me?
And why did I miss her after only three days as though I’d been suffering three long years in a desert with no food or water?
On a whim of a bored—and just plain missing her-afternoon I’d called up Aminata to see if she wanted to hang out. Unusually, she hadn’t answered her phone. She no longer had a landline so I couldn’t reach her that way.
I figured she was busy with work and school. I also guessed she was hanging out with some of her friends and even though I detested admitting it—I was jealous. I had nothing against her friends. I hadn’t even really met most of them except for Gina. But when she occasionally spent time with them, I’d fill my hours by spending time with mine for unfair compensation on their unknowing parts. Even then I’d be thinking about her, wondering what she was doing and thinking. Soon as those thoughts would cross my mind my cell phone would buzz and when I’d look at the caller I.D., the site of her name would make my insides feel things that I didn’t like. The feelings were too familiar yet ones that I’d never felt all at once.
Now though, she hadn’t called, hadn’t stopped by my place…nothing. I was an impatient guy and Aminata’s absence was proving that once again for me harshly.
A heavy sigh from Ohno brought me back to our conversation, stirring up some guilt within me.
“Well, even if you don’t come back, you should call more often. People here miss you a lot.”
I missed them more than anything too. They were like brothers to me. I knew there were times when they called me and I didn’t pick up, but I’d either be swamped with school or feel too much guilt for leaving them abruptly to talk to them. Talking to them was like talking to the shameful reflection of myself in the mirror.
Still, those were just useless excuses. I at least owed them a few phone calls from time to time for not forgetting about me. For all I knew they might as well recruit a new member and forget about me and my selfish ways.
“I know. I’m sorry. I’ll try to get better at that.” I said apologetically.
We talked for a little while, him updating me on my other favorite four guys on this earth. Aiba Masaki, Ninomiya Kazurani, Sakurai Sho, and Ohno Satoshi.
Those were my four best buddies out of everyone in the world and I missed them a lot.
Finally the conversation wound down and ended when he had to resume teaching. Ohno had recently opened up a dance school which he was really proud of because the success had been instantaneous. I was proud of him.
Soon as I hang up, I pushed my phone into my pocket, wondering what to do next. After contemplating for a while I pulled my phone out again, nearly calling Aminata. I had her on speed dial.
But then I refrained.
If she didn’t want to talk to me for whatever reason, fine. I couldn’t help the lurking suspicions that maybe Lamont was somehow responsible for her not calling. Everytime I saw that son of a gun I wanted to clout him before wrapping my fingers around his neck and squeezing real tight. We didn’t speak but everytime our eyes would cross paths on campus I could see that from the knowing look in my eyes, he knew that I knew something went wrong. He must have also known that if he even dared try anything else then I wouldn’t just sit back and watch. I’d take action the next time he put his hands on her and surprisingly he was smart enough not to even breath the same air she breathed.
Since he wasn’t so trustworthy, I decided that if I didn’t reach her by the end of the night then I’d go over to her place unannounced.
A man of overflowing pride, calling someone who blatantly didn’t pick up, merely going to where they lived, was so unlike me. Whatever Aminata was doing to me needed to stop pronto.
Opting to call my friends instead to see if they could meet me up hadn’t left m with much luck. They all had plans. The guys at least. My female friends and I were kind of on the rocks because of what they’d said about Aminata. Most of them had apologized except for Miyoko, the most overbearing of them all. I never really liked her to begin with, but she latched onto me like I was a trophy she would not let go of because of working so hard. She’d worked to try and befriend me and being a fair guy, I’d given her a chance. Big mistake. She was a chore and a half and even when I got down right mean with her and told her to leave me alone she wouldn’t.
Even now she degraded herself by kissing my feet with all the apologetic litanies in the book to try and get on my good side. Everytime she’d even mention Aminata all I’d have to do was give her a look and she’d take the hint that the case was closed.
Feeling rather lonely, I strolled throughout the park with my hands in my jean pockets, enjoying the scenery. As I walked passed a small shed housing a fortune teller, I caught my reflection in a full length mirror somewhere near the entrance. That day I wore a stark white shirt with a vest over it, faded blue jeans with tears that peeked the knees with black boots. For a Monday, the place was pretty packed but that was because they were holding some function with some band performing today.
As my eyes drifted to the far away stage where the band played their music with a spellbound crowd at their feet, I couldn’t help but smile. Performing. Damn, I missed that. I missed that almost more than I missed my friends. The thought made me chuckle softly to myself. In reality, I did miss the people the most.
Even though I liked America, it was no comparison to home. Home was home. There’s just something about the place where you’re born that you can’t find in any other place. There’s this warm presence from the people and the culture, from the cozy house where you grew up playing tag with your siblings.
Just as the thought made me happy, it dispirited me all at once because I thought of Aminata.
Even though we hadn’t treaded into the topic of her family life, what she’d told me was enough for me to deduct that her childhood hadn’t been happy. Ever since she told me she was a rape child I started to notice things about her. Like most of her, the way that she was so self-cautious. There was this self-degrading aura I felt from her, almost like she didn’t deserve anything.
My chest would twist and a weird sort of rage would spill through me, wondering how anyone could make her, or anyone for that matter, feel that way. I wasn’t particular about her relationship with her mother but from the little she told me when she was crying on my shoulder, I knew that their relationship was strained, if existent at all.
At a brightly lit concession stand, I purchased some cotton candy for myself, deciding on another stroll as I leisured in it before heading home.
“Oh my gosh! Matsumoto Jun?!” Just as I thanked the cashier for the change he gave me back I heard my name being shrieked. The couple of people around me looked around too and when I did I saw a pretty brown skinned lady with ogle eyes gaping at me.
Feeling a bit odd the way I always did whenever a stranger would know my name, I looked around me before taking a tentative step away from the line since I was blocking.
“Uh…yeah…” I responded wearily at the starry eyed girl. Even though I got this a lot, there really was no getting used to it. Maybe in Japan, or France, or the Philippines, or even Hawaii…but not from America.
I was appalled when as the lady approached me, she addressed me in Japanese, asking if it was really me.
For several moments I was a bit too stunned and by then she was standing under my nose, inspecting me like I was some new species roaming about the earth. From the way her eyes roved over me I feared that she was bout to pinch me just to make sure I was real.
“Wow! I can’t believe this. So you’re the actor? That guy from all those dramas?” before I could get a word in she stepped back, sliding her eyes down my frame, “You’re so much more handsome in person! I heard you were much skinner in real life but it seems like you’re much bigger. Wow what are you doing here? I can’t believe it. Oh my gosh your hair really is gorgeous. Why are you here?”
I was not only speechless by her fluent Japanese but also by the fact that she wouldn’t let me speak. I thought Aminata talked a lot but this lady had beat her at that.
After running her mouth for a while, leaving me flustered, she broke into an embarrassed smile.
“Sorry! I’m just so….shocked.”
“I’m shocked too.” I told her with a wry smile and she laughed. I truly was amazed at how good her Japanese was. It was kind of mind boggling how she spoke it well.
“Why, cause I speak Japanese?” she read my mind ad the chagrinned smile I gave her gave me away.
“Black people can speak other languages too you know?!” she said jokingly.
“No no no, that’s not what I meant. Just most Americans know Spanish more than they’d ever know Japanese.” I explained, warming up a little bit to her but still a bit skeptical.
“True. So you’re Arashi right?”
“Hai…” I told her with a slow nod and as I occasionally looked around us I caught a set of eyes that made me freeze. What followed that was an electrifying feeling that made my insides feel…weird.
Oh great, reacting like this after only three days.
But there Aminata was a few ways from where I stood with the star-struck lady who still jabbered away in my native tongue. Her voice tapered off because looking at Aminata seemed to make everything else dim into darkness.
After giving a quick inspection over her body with my eyes I relaxed at no sign of any bruises and such.
After the waves of gladness came, a tidal of rage took place. So while I’ve been out worrying to death about her she’s been out here wearing a mini-shirt that showed off her midriff in the park. If she found me boring all that she had to do was say so and I wouldn’t keep calling her like an idiot.
Wait, what was I thinking? If she found me boring? Jun Matsumoto didn’t care if others found him boring. So what if she found me boring? Hell, that’s something Aminata would think, not me.
As if she’d followed my gaze, the lady who had been standing beside me brought me out of my thoughts when she waved so vigorously she nearly struck me in the face and yelled out to Aminata.
“Aminata! Is this him?!” she asked, speaking in English as she spoke to Aminata, “Is this that Jun Matsumoto you were talking about?”
“Eh?” I said softly to myself, and when I averted my gaze to Aminata once again, I noticed something in her eyes that I hadn’t been paying attention to before since I’d been so caught up trying to quell my worry and brew my anger.
She appeared hurt as she stared at me. Hurt and kind of…confused.
For the life of me, I couldn’t understand why.
I started to think of all the possible things I could’ve done wrong. I came up short. The last time we talked had ended on a good note though.
Then the thought crossing my mind that Lamont had been responsible made me stiffen in apprehension. Just as I was about to go find out what happened, the lady standing beside me asked another question that kept me from running to Aminata's aid like I always did.
“Girl, do you even know him?!” She asked skeptically with her hands akimbo.
The question seemed to have a strong impact on Aminata. She didn’t move a muscle as she stared at me, the only thing on her moving being her hair fluttering from the wind's blow.
Subsequently, the vulnerable and hurt look on her face closed up and in place was a hard look. Raising her chin regally and tucking some hair behind her ear to try act casual, Aminata finally answered.
“No,” she paused and even in that lapse of time her words didn’t even settle in, “I don’t know him at all.”
Without preamble, she spun on the heel of her sneakers, leaving a hot trail as she sped-walked away.
An indeterminately long time went by as I stared at her retreating figure, wondering what the hell that was about.
“Wow…that was weird. Sorry that’s my step sister and she said she knew a guy with the same name as you. Hold on let me go after her. She's probably just embarrassed.”
Before Aminata’s supposed step sister could go after her, I unwittingly went after Aminata, jogging so that I could get to her quicker and find out what was making her act this way.
Last edited by hello on Sun Apr 20, 2008 3:52 pm; edited 2 times in total
I didn’t know where I was going but before I could even get there I felt myself stopping then realized that a hand clasping around my arm and stopped me. Regardless of knowing who had brought a cessation to my flee I dreaded putting a face to the intruder.
“What’s wrong with you?” he asked, his head dipped low and his dark brows forming a deep V in between his eyes.
Since his mere touch nearly made me melt I quickly wretched my arm away from him when I felt those tingly sensations crawling up my spine.
“Sorry,” I raised my chin proudly, “I don’t talk to strangers.”
Turning around once again I started to walk away even though my heart was racing so fast. He looked so good that night. Damned good.
Damn you Jun.
I was so aggravated by how my body was reacting to him I nearly pulled my hair out.
“Hold up.” Jun stopped me again my getting a good grip on my arm.
“Don’t touch me!” I ordered airily, wringing my arm away, “I don’t let strangers touch me—“
“"Nanya soray?!" Jun ground out in a deep tone.
“I don’t know what the hell you’re saying!” I retorted frustratingly and when I tried to leave again, this time attempting to breeze past him, he blocked me with an agile sidestep.
“What’s gotten into you?” he asked, his features twisted.
“The truth. That’s what.”
“Eh?” Jun asked confusedly.
“Oh don’t try to act innocent. Ha! Act! I can’t even say that word anymore without getting paranoid and feeling played!”
“Aminata, what the hell are you talking about—“
“When were you going to tell me?” I began blabbering, unable to stop myself.
“Nani kore?!” Jun asked roughly, his discomfiture finally taking over him.
“How long were you going to parade around like some regular, normal human being?”
He responded to me in Japanese and even though I didn’t know what he was saying I continued to tell him off in English.
I wasn’t too sure how long it went on but miscommunication had become the fruit of our conversation. I hated the way my heart fluttered from his coarse, deep voice even when he was hotly mad at me. It wasn’t my fault that he sounded so good and that alone heightened the anger that I was feeling towards him.
I knew that I was being irrational but it wasn’t until later that I noticed that that’s how unfair I was being. I mean, I was making him out to be some sort of criminal but I couldn’t help it. Damn, I was acting off of an insecure emotion that confirmed to me further why Jun and I were too got damn different for our own tastes.
Another reason is that I was pretty much just like any other girl who fell for the untouchable good looking guy. Go figure.
Moments later I felt my shoulder being clipped before I was pushed backwards a little. Before long I noted that it was Cynthia who’d come to sandwich Jun and I. She’d placed a halting hand on his shoulder to keep him from aggressing forward and kept her hand on my shoulder to keep me from giving in to the urge of pulling his head off.
“Will you calm down?!” Cynthia tried to talk some sense into me but I was hard of hearing.
“No! No I wont calm down!” I yelled at Cynthia with my eyes pinned to Jun.
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